Dear younger brother,

First of all, [brother], I would like to sincerely thank you for inviting me to your upcoming wedding. I realize that it's not always the easiest thing as a faithful mormon to have the presence of someone who could be considered quite controversial at your events. I'd like to add here a Dear Abby article.

"DEAR ABBY: I am being married this summer to my fiancee of five years, "Beth." I had always assumed that my brother, "Mike," who is also my best friend, would be my best man. Mike is gay.

When I asked him, I was stunned at his response. Mike said he loves me and Beth, but refuses to be part of a ceremony celebrating something for which he is discriminated against emotionally, financially and socially. He refuses even to attend.

Now that I have been forced to confront this issue, I realize my brother is right. Beth thinks he should "get over it," and he needs to accept that it's just "the way things are in the world."

As hurt as I am, I can't hold against my brother his refusal to participate in what he refers to as a "reminder that he is considered a second-class citizen without the same civil rights" as I have.

How can I handle this without turning it into something that could overshadow what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life? -- DISAPPOINTED IN WESTLAKE, OHIO

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: By respecting your brother's decision, and reminding your bride-to-be that accepting the status quo is not always the best thing to do. Women were once considered chattel, and slavery was regarded as sanctioned in the Bible. However, western society grew to recognize that neither was just. Canada, Belgium, the Netherlands and Spain have recognized gay marriage, and one day, perhaps, our country will, too."

If you doubt the sort of societal prejudice or think that this article makes it seem as if this is the norm, many newspapers actually refused to print this advice column in its entirety.

While I am very grateful and recognize your generosity in extending an invite to both JR and me, I don't feel comfortable attending the open house. This is not because I think that you and others would not be welcoming, but it has much to do with the underlying circumstances. I'm well aware that the mormon church--the organization that will be performing the ceremony--does not support my rights to marry whom I would choose, and in fact actively spends money and time and vigorously lobbies against that possibility. As Gordon B. Hinkley says, "this is not a question of civil rights, this is a question of morality." Dallin H. Oaks spoke while I was attending BYU saying that all politics is indeed morality, which effectively leaves little space for civil rights within the paradigm. In all this is not surprising as the mormon church has by no means been on the forefront of civil liberties of which examples I'm sure you are certainly aware.

Furthermore, I understand that all of my family believes that this is correct. I have difficulty countenancing the support of celebration that finds me unworthy and indeed dangerous to its exercise (in fact, Sheri Dew compared civil rights activists and their efforts to the rise of Hitler). I am aware that the mormon church and by extension my family which believes its teachings believes that I am merely "addicted" to JR, and that my love is less than that of heterosexuals by virtue of its being imperfect and ungodly.

Be that as it may, even if you all as my family were in support of gay marriage, I would echo the article above from Dear Abby.

This by no means should lead you to believe that I do not have the sincerest wishes for your happiness. I am very grateful for your invitations, and I would hope that you would not see my not coming as an effort to cause discord, but as something that I cannot in good conscience do. I hope that you don't take offense to this, or that you feel that I'm trying to distance myself from you or the rest of the family. That is not my intention at all. I do not wish to invite comparisons to if I were to have some sort of ceremony with JR at a future date. In fact, I think it would be quite different. Such a ceremony would not be countenancing, indeed hoping to uphold, a continued state of discrimination under the law. And while I may not feel I can attend your events, I have no intention to legally bar you from having the opportunity to be able to do so.

Please be aware of my sincerest wishes of my love and hopes for your greatest happiness.